Shame, blame, and accusations!

A few months ago, the YouTube channel WIGS put out a three video series called Lauren. The short series covered the topic of rape in the military. Those who know and understand how reports of sexual violence are handled in the military can appreciate how the series ends. I openly praised WIGS for staying true to the crisis and not sugar coating what really happens with MST. However, it seems most who view the videos disagree.

*Warning: The following are actual screenshots of comments left under the three YouTube videos that make up the story of Lauren. They will anger you and they may be triggering. Please read these with care and if you need to speak to someone, please chat with a RAINN counselor.

These are just a few among hundreds of comments that shame, blame, and accuse women in service. Some even seem to scold survivors for not realizing that "men are raped too". Has everyone missed the point?!

The series was put together to give viewers a very small peak into what survivors of MST go through. But rather then being enraged with sexual violence in the service and the lack of help and support survivors receive, they are enraged by the "sucky ending". It breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart to know that people seem to care so little. They seem to view this all as "the military's problem". All of this happens in a far away land, behind closed doors, and the bad guy goes to jail. What do we have to do to show people that these predators, after they leave service, live on their block? Hold jobs teaching their children?

Many people have asked me why I do what I do. Why I share my story and run my races and spend so much money to tell the world about MST. Here is a small piece of that answer. If I won't speak up and spread awareness and make noise... who will?

This is how you make a REAL fashion statement

When I spoke at SlutWalk DC I had the opportunity to meet Kate Rush Cook who is the creative mind behind S & K Awareness Jewelry. Kate creates beautiful pieces of jewelry for survivors and to help spread awareness of sexual assault, child abuse, and domestic abuse.

About a month ago, while browsing her site I thought it would be a neat idea to have a piece for MST. I contacted her on the idea and soon after, Kate sent me a picture of a lovely red, white, blue, and deal bracelet with silver stars.

Kate has generously offered to donate $6.25 of each bracelet sold toward my $26,000 goal for RAINN. With Veteran's Day on Sunday and the holiday season fast approaching, please consider purchasing a bracelet for yourself or someone you know.

"I am not a victim or a survivor; I am a warrior and a hero." - Kate Rush Cook

The Balancing Act

Over the past several weeks I have experienced a whole new level of the life consuming balancing act. We are all too familiar with it. Finding that perfect equation of family = work = friends = ....etc. Oh the joy.

This semester is what I consider my first real semester of college. Technically I'm in the middle of my Sophomore year, but my first 3 semesters of high education were spent at community colleges. And though I don't thinking going to a community college makes you any more or less smart, I have noticed the vast difference in the teaching, homework, and impact it has on my life.

I am taking on a 17 credit school load. This consists of philosophy, biology, biology lab, chemistry, chemistry lab, english, and pre-calculus. On top of this, I have a training schedule to stick to (or attempt to stick to) for my running, my fundraising attempts to raise $26,000 for RAINN, keeping a household for myself, fiance, and our pets, and also planning my wedding to take place next August (just before the start of school might I add). Overall, it's a hell of a load and takes up pretty much my whole day (plus a little more at times).

It's been a struggle, and continues to be one. But if there is anything I've learned through my assault and the journey I've gone on thus far in my running, it's that I can handle much more then I think I'm capable of.

So excuse the lack of posting from me. I promise more is to come. Just bare with me while I find my feet and I'll be off and running again.

Speaking after The Invisible War

Come out to Trinity College's Cincestudio to see a free screening of The Invisible War. Afterward, I will be speaking about my experiences as an MST survivor on a panel with director Kirby Dick. Those who attend will also be given the opportunity to donate to my 2013 Marine Corps Marathon fundraising campaign.

The Day I Became a Spartan

Since childhood I've always found great interest in ancient Greek culture. From religion to arts to story telling, it has captured my imagination. When I joined the Marines and read Gates of Fire (my favorite book) I felt a special connection with the ancient Spartans. As I learned more about their history, how they trained, how they spoke, and battles they fought, it was easy to see how Marines were often called the modern day Spartans.

So when I first heard about the Spartan Race, the name alone had me hooked. When I watched their promo video it reminded me of boot camp. The look of exhaustion and "what the heck did I get myself into" written on the faces of participants. It was a challenge, and I wanted to demolish it.

The Spartan Sprint was unlike any race I have participated in to date. It's hard to put into words the experience, hence why it has taken so long for me to write this blog post about it. So I've decided the best way to talk about how I became a Spartan is to tell you how I fulfill each point of the Spartan Code.

The Spartan Code

1) A Spartan push's their mind and body to the limits.
There was little I really knew about the Spartan races other then they were supposed to be the hardest mud runs around. But I didn't just want something that was "hard". I wanted a challenge. So I opted to run with a weighted Vietnam era pack. It was heavy, bulky, extremely uncomfortable, and it made for an experience unlike anything my fellow Spartans were having. I had several other racers stop me along the way and tell me how they admired my determination and drive to be the only person running that day with additional weight.

2) A Spartan master's their emotions.
Having gone through boot camp you have a very deep understanding of teamwork. It's what gets you through tough times, makes you stronger in numbers, and even has the potential to save lives. When a team can't work together and support each other, disaster can quickly follow. Before my race I had heard from several other Spartans that everyone helps each other. If you came to the race with a team or if you a running alone, Spartans work together to cross that finish line. This may be why I was becoming frustrated with runners who left me stuck in the thick mud while I helped others out, or why I felt a strong urge to punch several people who wouldn't step aside for faster runners to pass (hey, I'm just being honest). But I held my tongue and decided that I was here for myself and MST survivors. No one else. My team was with me in spirit and they would help me to the finish line.

3) A Spartan learns continuously.
The ability to think quickly on your feet is so important in these races. It allows you to attack the obstacles in the quickest and safest manner. Being flexible and knowing how to adjust your plan of attack is what allows you to finish the race strongly rather then finding yourself crawling home (or being rushed to the hospital). Those of us who were quick to learn small tricks to overcome obstacles quickly shared them with those around us. Those who were willing to listen and learned moved on. Those who didn't, found themselves doing lots of burpees.

4) A Spartan gives generously.
It took a lot of me to actually sign up for the Spartan. Not because of the challenge, but because of the price. At the time I was looking to sign up, the cost of entry was $95. It would also cost me a full tank of gas to get to the location of the race. Being an unemployed veteran, it was difficult to find the funding to be able to do the race. But I made it happen. I was also able to fundraise $350 for RAINN in prep for the race.

5) A Spartan leads.
I may not have been leading in the race, but I was leading for a good cause. I placed sign on the back of my pack with RAINN's logo on it. Many people asked me why I was running with the pack and what RAINN was. Spreading the word about MST awareness and this amazing organization was my way of being a leader that day.

6) A Spartan stands up for what they believe in, no matter the cost.
I don't think this requires much of an explination. My push to spread MST awareness and share my story is blatantly obvious. I literally jump at every opportunity I am given to educate people. I have worried about what could possibly happen to me for speaking out the way I do since I am still "technically" enlisted. But this is so much more important then me.

7) A Spartan knows their flaws as well as they know their strengths.
Stepping up to that starting line I knew what I would excel at. I knew I could run those hills. I knew I could crawl through all that mud. I knew I could flip tires, pull rocks, and lift sand bags. I knew I could finish. But I also hoped that I wouldn't have to climb a rope or scale any monkey bars (both of which I did have to do). Those are two things I can't do... Yet. They are my weakness and I was not able to finish them in the race. Next year though...

9) A Spartan proves themselves through actions, not words.
I trained. I raised $350 for charity. I ran with a weighted pack. I spread awareness to a new crowd of people. I did not boast in any of my accomplishments. I stated them simply and pushed awareness as far as I could that day. My words may have been whispers, but my actions where screams.

10) A Spartan lives every day is if it were their last.
Is there any other way?

So there it is. I'm a fighter. I'm a warrior. I'm a Spartan!

"...justice cannot sleep..."

For me, SlutWalk DC started at 3 am. I was up before the sun and getting ready to make the 6 hour drive down to DC with my friend, Alyssa, with nothing but pure excitement. I was excited for my speech, for the walk, for enlightening people on what goes on behind that "red, white, and blue curtain", and to share all of this with Alyssa in her very first walk (and first time in DC).

We made great time! We left New Haven at 4 am and parked my car near the memorials by 9 am. It was hot and a little muggy out, but still a very nice day. Since we had a little time before the walk started, we took the long route to the meetup site so Alyssa could see a few of the monuments. Our first stop was the Thomas Jefferson monument.

At the Jefferson Monument.

I've only been to DC one other time. It was in 2006 when I was stationed in Virginia (and shortly before I was assaulted). I came to DC with my mother to en-urn my grandfather, 1st LT Guthrie (WWII and Korea), in Arlington National Cemetary. Where that visit had a very specific energy of remembering those who had served before me, this one was all about seeking justice for those like me. While visiting the Jefferson Monument, a particular line from one of his speeches (a few of them are written on the walls) jumped out at me and set the mood for the rest of the day. "...Justice cannot sleep..."

When the time began to draw near, we made our way to Lafayette Park to get ready for SlutWalk. The site we came up to was great! Women in short skirts and bras holding signs telling those who passed by, "Still not asking for It!" Men wearing 3-inch high heeled shoes to show their support. Just your regular, every day people taking time out of their days to take a stand and change the way people think about rape culture.

Locating some of the staff for the walk, I let them know I had arrived and asked if I could make a quick announcement to the crowd about my fundraising efforts for my run in the 2013 Marine Corps Marathon. Taking the bullhorn they had, I announced to everyone who I was and explained why and what I was fundraising for. Immediately after putting down the bullhorn I was swarmed by people who wanted to drop a few dollars into the container I had brought. Some of them told me as they dropped their bills into my bucket that they were active duty or had family that were serving. I was thrilled at the response people had even before I shared my speech with them.

Myself and some active duty sailors getting ready to walk.

It was announced that we would begin walking to the Sylvan Theater soon so I pulled out my "sign" for the walk. I had taken an old cammie blouse of mine and written on the back in sharpie. It read "First he attacked me. Then he attacked 3 others. He was NOT dishonorably discharged." Several people asked to take a picture of my blouse and many instantly approached me with questions. Even one of the local police officers approached me to let me know how upset he was that this had happened to me. It gave me hope knowing that I had informed some people about the injustice and I prayed that they would seek more truth.

As we stepped off to begin our march down to the Washington Monument, we recieved a mix of reactions from the local tourists we passed. Many wore expressions of curiosity and approval as they read our signs. Other wore smiles of amusement as they focused on those who walked the streets in lingerie. Obviously oblivious to the message they were trying to portray. I stayed near the back of the group as we paraded down the street. I wanted to make sure that anyone who obviously didn't take our walk seriously got a good look at my blouse. I wanted them to go from thinking "those silly kids" to "That's wrong!" Hopefully, a few people did their duty as Americans and looked further into what it was we were doing that night and educated themselves on rape culture and how they view those around them.

When we all arrived at Sylvan Theater, War on Women performed for the crowd to get them fired up before the speakers took the stage. They gave a fantastic performance and though I am not a big fan of metal type music, I really enjoyed listening to them.

The speakers who came up in front of that crowd were all amazing in different ways. A few that stood out to me:

• Andrea Bredbeck, founder of Join the Conversation, started us off with the challenge to "name and claim" what had happened to us. All as one we shouted our names and the names of our assailants.
• Bella Dionne, an amazingly well spoken 18 year old, shared an article she had written for the teen sex education magazine Sex Etc. She bared it all in a lovely black lingerie piece that she sported with admirable confidence (can I be her when I grow up?).
• Aviva Long is a survivor who shared it story with the world for the first time. She was a true warrior in every sense. She stood up there on her own two feet and shared how she had not only been wronged by her rapist, but by her community. I hope that she found some sort of healing in speaking at SlutWalk.
• Robbie Woodsum spoke up for male survivors and those in the LGBT community, showing that this is not a "women only" club.

When it was my turn to speak, I was a little nervous. This was my first time speaking on this subject using my real name. And to be doing it in the city better known as "military headquarters"... I would being lying if I didn't admit that I wondered how this might come back to bite me in the but (the military can be very good at finding loop holes).

But once I got up there, all my fears and worries just melted away. I had no time to worry what happened to me, because all I could think about is making sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. And the only way to ensure that is to speak up. (To view my speech, click here.)

After I had finished I went out to join the crowd and listen to the last speaker. As soon as I descended the stairs from the stage I was met again by eager individuals who wanted to donate to my marathon run. All I could do was thank everyone who donated, but wished I could do so more to show them my appreciation.

When SlutWalk was finally all said and done a few people came up to me to thank me for my service and for my speech. I was surprised to have two young Marines approach me as well. They were stationed at 8th & I Marine Corps Barracks and were running through the park when they came upon SlutWalk right when I was starting my speech. I thanked them for stopping and listening to me talk and told them that it spoke volumes about their characters and the type of Marines they were. Being "family" I shared a few of the more personal aspects of what had happened to me in hopes that they would share it with others on their base and reminded them to watch out for each other.

The whole day was a great experience and so successful. Those who attended SlutWalk DC donated $250 that afternoon with others vowing to donate online this week. Alyssa told me she enjoyed her first SlutWalk and found it an empowering day.

I look forward to next year's walk and hope that I may be given the opportunity to speak again.

Speaking at SlutWalk DC 2012.

(You can find a copy of my speech here.)

Speaking at SlutWalk DC 2012

A few months back I was asked to speak on Military Sexual Trauma at SlutWalk DC. I eagerly replied that I would love to take part in this event and have my voice heard.

If you have not heard of SlutWalk, it's quite the movement for change. On January 24, 2011 a representative of the Toronto Police was speaking at a local university campus on staying safe when it comes to sexual assault. He told students, "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized." This launched SlutWalk and the push to stop rape culture, to stop victim blaming, and to stop this twisted idea that there is some sort of excuse that makes rape ok (she was wearing a short skirt, she was drunk, she sleeps around, etc).

In 2011 I spoke at the first SlutWalk in San Diego on the topic of rape in the military. Though I did not speak under my real name. Rather, I identified myself under the name of my burlesque character "Foxxy LaDae". You can watch a video of my speech on YouTube. This will be my first time speaking publicly on this issue in a setting such as this under my real name.

This years focus for the DC walk will be on rape and sexual assault in the military. The organizers have taken notice of the continuously growing issue and have asked a few veterans to speak after the walk (including myself).

As of now, the Facebook event for SlutWalk DC has 1,500 people who intend to rally. The walk will begin at Lafayette Park and end at the Washington Monument. Speakers will then be at the Sylvan Theater Stage.

To learn more about SlutWalk, you can check out the SlutWalk Toronto page where they can direct you to a SlutWalk near you or help you start your own.

One Week to Thermopylae

It's Monday and I'm starting to become anxious about running in my first Spartan Race this Sunday. I've been spending a lot of my time flipping through my iTunes to find pump up music for the 3 hour drive out to the race site and watching coverage of past Spartan races on YouTube. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit nervous.

Not knowing what my race will consist of makes it difficult to prepare. Some of the sprints (the distance I'll be running) range anywhere from 3 - 9 miles and have obstacles that could possibly including climbing a rope, flipping a tire, swimming across streams and through underwater tunnels, carrying sand bags... But I won't know what each obstacle is until I'm face to face with it.

I've also be playing around with my pack. Trying to figure out the best way to weight it down without it interfering with my activity to much. However, I don't necessarily want to make things comfortable for myself.

My running isn't about comfort. It's about pain and challenge and sometimes questioning myself. These are all the things I and many others go through after experiencing MST. My running is supposed to bring awareness to all of this and I can't bring awareness to MST if I am not willing to embody everything that MST is and has done to our military.

As of now I've raised $340 for Project Thermopylae. This puts me at 12 lbs in my Alice pack. My goal is to reach 20 lbs by race day. Please donate if you are able to and share with your family and friends. I can't do it without your support.

PTS Treatment Worldwide BlogRadio Show

Make sure you are near a computer on July 30th at 11:30 am PST or 3:30 pm EST because I'll be speaking about my fundraising and efforts on PTS Treatment Worldwide.

The show is a quick, fast paced, fun 30 minute interview with Fuzzy Manning who is the CEO of Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) & Integrative Trauma Care. Each week Fuzzy speaks with people, organizations, and companies who are trying to improve the life of military personel, veterans, and their families. Some past interviews have included Riverbed Equine Therapy Services, Protect Our Defenders, and the Healing Hero's Network.

In the interview I suspect I'll be speaking about my current fundraising for Spartan Race with Project Thermopylae, my thoughts on MST and how it is being handled in the military, and my new upcoming fundraising project for the Marine Corps Marathon next year.

Please tune in and call in if you can! If the time can't work with your schedule, no worries. You can listen in on the interview at a later time here.

Busy busy busy!

I feel terrible for having not updated my blog in so long. I've been so busy with my training, fundraising, and getting ready to start classes at Quinnipiac University that I've totally neglected updating everyone on the latest news.

So much has happened that, literally, each even needs it's own post. So I hope you all are ready to catch up because it's all on it's way.